Wanna Be A Kick-Ass Boyfriend?
You wanna be a kick-ass boyfriend? Right on. Read this for yourself or share this with your boyfriend or husband (even if he’s already kickass which I’d hope he already is).
Below are some basic principles that have worked for me. These are not truths or a system and don’t believe a word I say. The intention of sharing this is to distinguish some ideas and principles to give you an opportunity to think in new ways and open you up to new possibilities in your romantic relationships which hopefully are already awesome.
Being a kick-ass boyfriend starts with listening. Listen to your girlfriend’s needs, wants, and upsets. Listen because you want to and not because you have to. It’s an awful experience to try to express yourself because you need to talk about something important to you and the other person is not really listening to you…or listening from their own point of view. Listen from their point of view. Don’t come from a place of trying to fix the situation—just hear her out. Also, give up being righteous or justifying why she’s wrong. She’s coming from somewhere, even if it may not be obvious to you where she’s coming from at first. Instead of being dismissive, truly listen from her point of view and talk about what she’s going through from her point of view and fully get into her space and embrace her world. Come from a place of love, compassion, and empathy. When you can do that and give up your own point of view in the process, truly and authentically listening to someone is a powerful experience.
Consider that your communication to others is a correlate of your listening of others. If you listen to others strictly from your own point of view, from your way of seeing things, that’s not really listening, and you can bet she won’t feel heard. And the more she vents around you, the more disempowered she will feel. On the other hand, when you’re truly listening to her and getting into her world, she’ll really appreciate you being there for her—even if it’s just an ear and for you to be someone in her life who really conscious effort to get her world…fully and completely.
2. Being Present
Being present with a woman is another way of saying “being in the moment.” The deep connection that becomes possible in that situation is indescribable unless you’re in it. If you are not deeply connected with your lover, it’s very easy to put the blame on her. No, cut your goddamn bullshit and see how you’re causing the barrier. At the end of the day, your lover aches to connect—and if that connection isn’t there, take the lead and create the space for her—stop waiting for her to come around. Now many men may think there’s some kind of system or technique to create a connection. In fact, it’s rather the opposite. Consider what you can give up in the moment to create that oneness with a woman who means so much to you. Perhaps that means giving up your tactics, manipulations, trying to impress her or look good for her, your strategizing of the situation, or your analyzing of the situation. Give up your points of view, give up your justifications of how it should or shouldn’t be, or perhaps you’re withholding some communication and then you should give up withholding. When you give up what’s in the way of your natural connection—you may be surprised how deep you can get in such a short period of time.
3. Celebrate Her Femininity
Many guys may compliment their girlfriend or the girl they are dating because they feel they have to. I’m sorry but that will be so see-through and transparent, and you are better off not wasting your time. Celebrate what you love about her, her feminine energy, what you find beautiful about her, what you love about her, not because you have to but because you truly want to, and complimenting her in the moment just feels right. When it does feel right to acknowledge her, don’t be stingy. So many people feel they need to somehow play it cool, keep to themselves, and are too scared to say what they mean in the moment. When you withhold your communication, you are out of integrity with yourself and with her. If you think her ankles are the most beautiful ankles you have ever seen in your life…say it. And don’t say it because you’re reading this or you think you should say it but because you authentically experience her ankles as the most perfect ankles you have ever seen on another human being. If what calls you is to buy her flowers, buy her some goddamn flowers, but don’t do it to look good or impress her. Buy her flowers because it moves you to buy her flowers.
4. Be Giving
I can not stress enough how important it is to give. And again, not to give because you feel it will impress her or somehow make you look good, but because you giving to her makes you happy—simply for the fact that you have the opportunity to contribute to her life.
5. Be Vulnerable
There’s some weird unsaid narrative that goes on amongst men that men don’t cry, they don’t show emotion, they don’t feel, and if they do, it’s somehow not masculine. Forget trying to be masculine. I see men all the time who put in so much time and energy trying to be masculine when underneath it all—who they are being is fearful and scared. Just let go, open yourself up, don’t be afraid to take action, and give up looking good in the moment. Emotion is natural to human beings. Resisting your emotions will get in the way of you truly experience the woman that you are with and life itself. Just be present with all your body sensations and everything around you—your natural masculinity will shine through that without you having to try to be masculine. Trying to be something—isn’t being it. Do you get that?
6. Embrace Her Storms
When your lover is having a shit day and just wants to unload, who better to unload on emotionally than you! That’s right I said it…you! Just be with her emotions, fully listen, and be completely unmessable with. Let her act out as much as she wants around you. Allow her to be the way she is around you without you constantly throwing judgment at her. The more you allow her to be however she is around you—without telling her to stop being whiny or stop being emotional—and just allow yourself to be with her fully—that will create an enormous amount of freedom for both of you. A woman wants a man who can be with her emotions and can have someone to vent to knowing she won’t be criticized in the process.
7. Be Supportive
Is your girlfriend or wife working on some new project? Well—how can you be of support to her to empower her to create possibilities for herself she may not have even thought of. There’s a difference between being attached to what she’s up to and contributing to what she’s up to. Doing things to help her because you feel you are supposed to, or because you think it will get her to like you more or whatever your reason is does not work. You will feel emotionally drained, and she will feel overwhelmed by your presence. See it as win-win. You empowering her life and forwarding what she’s up to while empowering and forwarding yourself is one awesome and very powerful dynamic to consistently be creating.
8. Allow Her to Love You
It’s an awful experience for a woman to give her heart fully with you and completely love you with every ounce of her soul—only for her to find you being standoffish or resistant. Allow yourself to be loved.
9. Allow Her to Be
People will be the way they are. I know that is a stupidly simple statement, but it’s true. You can open doors for others but at the end of the day it’s up to the other person to walk through the door, you can’t do it for them. If your lover resists the new doors you open for her and stays in her box—you can either choose to accept that and embrace it or let her know that doesn’t work. That might mean letting her go and ending the relationship. Trying to fix it and make it work will probably leave both of you with an experience of settling for less.
10. She’s a Goddess
Your lover is a goddess—treat her as such. Allow her to move you so deeply. Love her, ravish her, spoil her, give everything you have to give with who you are being in the moment with her—and do it because you want to as opposed to a technique to force some outcome.
11. Let Yourself Go in the Bedroom
Be an animal. Allow your primal instincts to take over. You’ll have some of the most amazing sex of your life and so will she. Explore each other’s sexuality. Always seek to deepen your physical bond. Be fearless. Communicate. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Be responsible for her pleasure in the bedroom and be responsible that she has the space to explore with you and share her fantasies with you in a way that won’t leave her feeling judged.
Emily from xojane.com in an article titled, “Why I Like Facials (The Dirty Kind)” writes,
“I started Googling intellectual feminist analyses on the topic while writing this piece and nearly psyched myself out of writing this, but you know what? Fuck it. I’m not the only dirty bitch out there who likes to push the boundaries during sex and as a grown-ass woman, I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of whatever kind of sex I like to have. When I interviewed artist Marilyn Minter for this site, she wore this awesome shirt she’d had made up herself, reading ‘There are no politically correct fantasies.’ I’m sure there are women who are lucky enough to be turned on by erotic, lady-empowering lovemaking, but there are a hell of a lot of the rest of us who want to get cum shot in our faces sometimes and who have rape fantasies. And that’s one of the things I love about sex—done well, with someone you trust, it’s a boundaryless Never Never Land where cool, smart, and careful melt into sheer sensation. I don’t care if your fantasies revolve around fisting or sibling role play—exploring them together, crawling into each other’s weirdo sexual psyches, is half the fun. My orgasms are a politics-free zone.”
The truth is, most women in our culture continue to be inhibited by some disempowering conversation they were born into around sexuality which has been around since patriarchal conversations to control women were invented. While much of this has gone away, there are lingering aspects of this conversation that still remain prevalent in American culture today. And while there are women who coach other women in owning their own sexual power and sexual energy, many more women have emotional blocks that get in the way of their own sexual power which can lead to all kinds of dysfunction that bubbles up to the surface in nonsexual ways. If you can be the kind of guy that can really make sure she feels safe to share and explore herself sexually with you, that will be a never-ending journey of exploration and growth for the two of you. For every Emily out there who actively explores her sexuality to the fullest, there are many more women that are disempowered in some way or have energetic blocks and dysfunction in their body. You can help her free herself from that and help take her to new levels of sexual mind-body awareness and consciousness.
12. The Power of No
Be responsible for creating an environment in which your lover knows she can fully and completely say something you won’t like hearing and feels safe to do that. Allow her to tell you what does and doesn’t work for her. At the same time, stand your ground—tell her when something doesn’t work for you. It keeps the baseline for integrity in the relationship sound. The more you become “fine” with a certain set of circumstances, the more the relationship will dull. Don’t be okay with being fine. Being fine is just a way of getting by and coasting. You don’t want to be on your deathbed and think you were just fine.
13. Allow Her to Be a Contribution to You
Us men instinctively love to feel they can provide, supporter, and be a hero in a relationship. That’s great and completely valid, but it’s not one-sided. She will want to be a contribution to your life in her own unique way. Allow it, welcome it, embrace it. It will only empower her further, and at the same time, it will strengthen your partnership with each other.
14. Stop Trying to be Masculine
Many men try to be masculine and try to act strong. But if you are trying to be something, you aren’t being it. Giving up all that bullshit will allow your own masculinity to come out naturally. Women can see right through men who are trying to be masculine. It wreaks of fear. Other men can sense it too.
It’s so important to be in communication with your lover. If she’s left in a situation feeling disempowered—be responsible for creating a space where she or any human being is left better than you found them. If you take that view in life—not like as the truth, but as a powerful place to think from—it will impact your romantic relationships and all of your relationships. Make sure you are always on the same page and that both of you are clear on where you are at with each other. Communication is also the foundation for creation. Create new visions and goals with each other. Create projects, create empowering dynamics, create games worth playing, and be each other’s partner in crime. The possibilities are endless, but they can’t be done without you speaking about it and making it real for you both. Also, communicate your wants and needs, and be responsible for an environment where she feels comfortable communicating that to you. Consider that your communication is not just what you say to her but what she communicates with you. What I mean by that is if your lover is resistant, emotionally shut down, etc., instead of placing blame on her, look to see where you are responsible for that and causing her to react like that around you. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself, invalidating yourself, or selling out on your Self to appease her.
16. Honesty without Intentional Upsets
Being honest is great. What there is to be responsible for is how your word lands with others. It’s not about what you say, but how others listen to what you say. Not intentionally causing upset will go further than mindless radical honesty and transparency just by itself and not really caring on how your word lands with her. What comes along with that is taking responsibility for creating a space where she is comfortable letting you know when something you say doesn’t work for her or that she has the space to say she feels upset so that it gets communicated out and gets complete without any blame or invalidation. That way you can still be honest and transparent, and any reactions to your honesty can be talked about so they aren’t being held inside which can lead to all kinds of unworkability down the road.
17. Create Futures Together
Imagine your life together as a drawing board or a book with blank pages. Create what you want together and then work your ass off as a team to make it happen. That could be anything from a context such as having an incredible partnership together to a goal such as writing a book together or throwing monthly dinner parties and building new triads together.
The context for our romantic relationships often goes unnoticed. Context is for human beings as water is for fish. There are two distinct contexts that very prevalent for relationships. There’s the dynamic of “you complete me.” This is almost always a struggle, will consume energy, and will constantly need compensation to keep the relationship alive. The alternative is one where the relationship is already perfect the way it is and the way it isn’t, and now I have the opportunity to ask myself—how can I be a contribution to this already perfect relationship?
19. Quality vs. Quantity
A woman will appreciate 30 minutes of the most incredible and connected time with you more than 3 hours of disconnect and a lack of you being present with her. Make sure you give her the gift of your time and your presence when you’re together. You’ll both be happier because of it.
20. Safety is Important
If you are someone who disregards the importance of creating a safe space for the women you’re with—you can almost guarantee that her having to constantly hold the space will lead to her feeling stressed, tight, and the diminishing of her natural feminine radiance, essence, and power. Just imagine—it’s the evening, and you’re all dressed up at a nice rooftop bar. You’re wearing a white v-neck shirt, blazer, and jeans and she’s wearing a red dress that exposes her neck and shoulders and makes her feel sexy, radiant, and beautiful. You’re both hanging out at the bar when a guy walks up to her and starts making crude comments towards her. Now imagine if you just stood there and watched as this sleaze-ball continued to humiliate your girlfriend in public. Now maybe you don’t speak up because you know she’s mature and can handle it herself, or maybe you’re feeling nervous and scared. Whatever the reason is—for any woman to experience something like that with her boyfriend who is supposed to be there for her—to just watch—will create a high probability of her feeling unsafe around you. She may not even know why she feels that way as this is evolutionary hardwiring that tends to be politically incorrect to talk about these days. She may not have the words to say it. Or she may have some reason she comes up with to justify why she’s turned off by you. But underneath it all, it’s a deep-seeded biological mechanism to run away from danger and stay around people that will keep her safe. And yes, women don’t “need” a man to feel safe, and yes, “feeling unsafe” can often be a perceived threat as opposed to a real one. So by any means, this is only a pointer to what’s true, not the truth in it of itself.
21. Make Her Feel
If she’s feeling numb around you, if her radiance is dampened, if her powerful feminine energy is not in full bloom around you, then make her feel. This is not to put some kind of onus on you. That’s not the point. It’s a matter of taking 100% responsibility for any relationship you’re in. So it’s not “your fault” when she’s feeling numb nor is it some excuse to let your girlfriend get away with anything. Responsibility isn’t about blame or fault even though it often gets degraded into such. It’s a place to think from and act from to give you access to the results you want to produce regardless of your circumstances. Blaming others seldom works. There’s no right action for this. However, an example I’ll use to deepen this distinction is the “you not sticking up for her at the bar” situation mentioned above. Let’s say you actually did that. You could say, “I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you at the bar. I was scared and feeling angry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” Something as simple as acknowledging that can make all the difference in the world. She won’t expect perfection, so merely being honest about where you’re and leaving nothing unsaid and letting her express any impact it had on her until she’s complete brings your relationship back to a space of completion and wholeness again.
22. Stop Trying to Fix Things
If you’re like me, when someone is complaining to you, the automatic response is often to want to fix things. Yes, women feel great when they feel safe, and men feel great when they can be the hero. And even though we know it’s possible to transcend these at times when we need to, it’s still powerful to have these structures in place to support our biological machinery and give us the most support and power we can have to foster our own masculine and feminine essence. So next time she’s complaining—she may just want you to listen, not to try and fix it which could lead to an upset. And yes, I know—it doesn’t make sense to us guys sometimes, but we’re just not usually wired like that.
23. Love All Women
If you are a guy who is stingy with their love, women (and men) will pick up on it. The way you treat other women will just be picked up by other women. If you truly appreciate all women and really allow yourself to experience yourself as a lover of women and of human beings, women will pick up on that naturally and it will feel really good for others who are in our space regardless of if they’re men or women and sexually attracted to you or not. It’s just a pleasant space to be in when you’re around someone who genuinely loves people at their core.
Now does that mean you’ll have a great relationship with every woman you meet—hell no. What it means is even with women who you have nothing in common with, who are spiteful towards you, who come from a place of survival and manipulation with you—that you will still treat them how you would any other human being and always create an environment where if that woman were to reach out to you—no matter what happened in your past—that you would embrace her and welcome her into your space all while not violating your own boundaries or sweeping things under the rug in the process.